i cant help the way that i feel | scream19's Blog

A few days a go i had the strangest feeling that something was going to happen, i got all anxious and scared because i thought that it would happen again, the only thing is though its like my mind is playing tricks on me and everyone is getting sick and tired of the accusations that are flying around. Its not my fault though i just cant help the way that i feel can i. so i decided to ask my mother a few things the only problem was she said she didnt wanna know and to be quite honest i cant really blame her.

Im struggling to cope iwas on depression tablets from feb this year to the end of april and then i came off them because my mother said that i was worse on them then i am now. But now she is saying that im better off on them so i cant really win either way can i? so now i have to figure out what to do, my head is saying see  the doctor but the other half of me is just feeling sick and guilty all the time and i havent got a clue why all that i know is i dont think that i have done anything wrong.

I just feel so right when im on the depression tablets i can sleep normal, have fun and actually socialise properly but when im off them theres a different side to me completely, its like i cant really talk to people much, i cant really be the confident, sociable person that i am, i feel useless all the time, i know that it probably sounds stupid but then again everything that i say is stupid so here goes when im off the tablets its like my body doesnt wanna do anything, its like im stuck and theres no way out apart from the depression tablets.

When i came off them back in april i turned to alcohol instead as a kind of substitute because i felt that i still needed something to keep me back on track and it worked. its like im too reliant on it though i can stop myself from buying it but only when i think that i wont get served otherwise when i do buy it i can go tthrough it there and then,

You know i actually feel okay writing about my problems on here because at least theres only me that im hurting and theres only me that it will keep hurting and no-one else. its like id rather keep things to myself but i have to get it out or ill just burn, if i talk to any of my family they dont understand they just shrug their shoulders or try and act like they are listenin. but i just drag them back into the past all the time its all that i do and i really dont know why

At this moment 1.10am im getting this strange feeling like theres someone here with me, i dont know if i should be writing this but its really weird