scream19's Blog

If i died today than would anyone even give a damn, i mean if i took an overdose and it caused me to die would anyone really give a damn about me.

does anyone know whats wrong with me. If you gave me a load of tablets it doesnt matter what tablets they are i would take them all at once, it could be paracetamol, ibruprofen, antidepresants or anything it doesnt matter. Im always doing it and i cant stop can anyone please help me

So here goes for the past week or something ive not been able to sleeep even though i am tired, its like there is something stopping me, sometimes i can lay awake at nights waiting for something to happen but there is nothing and its really making me more and more worn out. I was taking anti- depressants for 5 montsbut i stopped taking them at the beginning of june and since the end of june ive not been able to get any sleep at all, im living off 2hrs sleep.

Well yesterday i did it again i took 15pound that wasnt mine, i dont know why i did it when i can always lend money off my sister or my parents, i can even pay it back when they want it.

I had a dream last night i was on a field with a load of people when a riot broke out, a young person was threatening people with something it looked like a knife. There were police there and everything but it was hard to get the young lad under control so the police told everyone to get behind metal railings so that they could get the situation in hand, so everyone began to  move behind all the while the yong person carried out shouting and threatening waving the weapon in his hand. So when we eventually got behind the metal railings the ground somehow came on fire and we had to move everyone further away from the area. The polce woman that was dealing with everyone was really scaared, i mean she sat down and put her hands to her mouth and just sat there silent for a few minutes then she stood up and started to get eeryone calm.

The day began where me and my younger brother ian went out for the day, we stopped at a restaurant where they sold really great food, they had a fantastic sports car outside one where the door opens upwards, the thing was even though i really wanted to get in i couldnt because i was scared that my brother would crash it so instead we had the meal and then left, not long after though we went for a drink and thats when all the bother started.

I wonder what this dream means, i mean why the hell did i have a dream like this when i had nothing to do with it, fair enough i was stuck in the middle trying to help the policewoman but why this dream, why me.

Im sat here wondering if i shoud start to sent threatening letters to the bastard because then i would be able to see through my own eyes what being scared is like.

I mean im petrified none stop and no one wants to know because its my life not theirs, i need them to realise that im human not something that they can pick up and throw away. The thing is though even though they treat me like that they expect me to just take it, so as soon as i lose my rag over something the first thing they say is its the tablets again. I mean they have to expect something back if they hurt me the way that they do mentally. I mean they say things and even though they know that the words hurt they just carry on saying things to hurt me even more.

Well i wonder what they would do if it was someone else in the family that was being threatened or made scared to do anything, to know that they cant trust no'one, know that wherever they turn there could be someone there to do something more.

Back when i was living in orrell, i think i was 17 i had this plan that if someone could shoot him then i would be better off and it would help my family. I mean i even went through the details with one of the lads, i asked him to get someone to shoot him, then inscribe things into his body, he said hed do it but then he changed his mind i dont know why because a few days later, we were both sat on the couch when he asked me to throw a knife a him, it was sharp, so i did and then we were throwing them at each other for at least 30mins. then he asked me to go to the bridge outside the house and jump off with him but he was joking, the only thing was i would have jumped off if hed done it as well.

Then i moved to whelley, i was in a flat, the only problem was that i could see things, i mean one day i woke up to someone strangling me, the only thing was there was no-one there, it was as if they had their hands around my neck but they were gone. Then a few days later i was in the bathroom when i saw a young lad run past the bathroom door, it was a black figure but i could tell it was a lad by the shape. The only thing was that when i looked there was nobody there, people think i imagined it but i know that i didnt. The person that ran past was real to me even though they werent real to anyone else.

finally the day has come and i just want to get out of this house its really annoying, id rathere live soewhere else but i just cant afford it, i cant hold down a standard job because of the way that i am. Im aggressive to wards people and im just not got the motivation anymore. its like ive given up on life but i want to carry on if you understand me.

Its like i need to feel like everyone else normal feels. I dont need to feel confused or sttrange all the time. I need to talk to people but i know that im hurting them when i do, they never think about my feelings though so why should i, i mean i should be just like them less caring, really unreliable, unkind and less compassionate.

So i get to the way that they are right and i sink. Im in debt really bad, no job, no life and really depresssed, i caant see a way out except take my own life away because that is the only way.

I am brave enough its just i have to decide when, where and how. I know how, im going  to take an overdose and take vodka as well. But i just need to figure out when and where and then it will all be finished. So wish me luck even though i dontt need it.

Goodbye see you soon

A few days a go i had the strangest feeling that something was going to happen, i got all anxious and scared because i thought that it would happen again, the only thing is though its like my mind is playing tricks on me and everyone is getting sick and tired of the accusations that are flying around. Its not my fault though i just cant help the way that i feel can i. so i decided to ask my mother a few things the only problem was she said she didnt wanna know and to be quite honest i cant really blame her.

Im struggling to cope iwas on depression tablets from feb this year to the end of april and then i came off them because my mother said that i was worse on them then i am now. But now she is saying that im better off on them so i cant really win either way can i? so now i have to figure out what to do, my head is saying see  the doctor but the other half of me is just feeling sick and guilty all the time and i havent got a clue why all that i know is i dont think that i have done anything wrong.

I just feel so right when im on the depression tablets i can sleep normal, have fun and actually socialise properly but when im off them theres a different side to me completely, its like i cant really talk to people much, i cant really be the confident, sociable person that i am, i feel useless all the time, i know that it probably sounds stupid but then again everything that i say is stupid so here goes when im off the tablets its like my body doesnt wanna do anything, its like im stuck and theres no way out apart from the depression tablets.

When i came off them back in april i turned to alcohol instead as a kind of substitute because i felt that i still needed something to keep me back on track and it worked. its like im too reliant on it though i can stop myself from buying it but only when i think that i wont get served otherwise when i do buy it i can go tthrough it there and then,

You know i actually feel okay writing about my problems on here because at least theres only me that im hurting and theres only me that it will keep hurting and no-one else. its like id rather keep things to myself but i have to get it out or ill just burn, if i talk to any of my family they dont understand they just shrug their shoulders or try and act like they are listenin. but i just drag them back into the past all the time its all that i do and i really dont know why

At this moment 1.10am im getting this strange feeling like theres someone here with me, i dont know if i should be writing this but its really weird

Recently ive started telling a few lies just the odd one like ive paid some of my debts up but i havent, ive even sstarted telling my sister the one person that im close to that im not getting any money or that i have only received little amounts. the thing is though even though i know that im lying i cant seem to stop, im going to end up destroying my familys trust again and i cant seem to stop, its like im on a downward spiral spiralling out of control